Found this – It’s from the February of this year, and was an attempt to just write a thought process. It took a somewhat odd turn in shaping both thought process and mood. Interesting and eventually quite unpleasant experiment.
I feel all floaty and strange and false like I’m not tethered to anything any more but kind of just trying not to fade away and nothing feels properly real and it’s all just like a cover but there’s nothing behind it either. The world doesn’t feel like it’s really here and neither do I and I don’t feel like I can ever take a big enough breath to fill my lungs and I can’t do anything that feels like it’s not nothing and stimuli don’t exist and the keys under my fingers are spongy and the music in my ears is spongy and the lights in my eyes are spongy and the air tastes stale and my head is spongy but also empty but heavy and floaty all at the same time and that doesn’t make any sense at all but it’s still what it is. I open my mouth to speak but it sounds dead like someone else is speaking and I’m hearing it through distance or maybe underwater or through ear plugs or something and I’m trying to keep up with my thoughts but I can’t and full stops are hard and they break up my thoughts but they need to be in occasionally because otherwise it’s stupid but they’re wrong because this isn’t a fucking sentence but it’s a thought and thoughts don’t always split themselves into segments but they just run on and on and there’s only so many times you can use the word and before it looks stupid but it’s the thoughts full stop and when you just let things run away it’s the closest you can come.
Ah god, what’s going on right now? This is the loosest I’ve ever felt and nothings wrong but it’s just weird and I need something to remind me that it’s all real because right now it’s as if I’m floating in a void and maybe everything is real and maybe it’s not and what if there’s nothing behind theses 4 walls and there’s nothing on the end of this wire and I’m just pretending there’s something here and now because its better this way. I can reach out and touch the wall beside my bed and it’s solid but somehow that’s not as reassuring as it should be because I don’t feel solid at all and how can touching something solid with my own not-at-all-here hand prove anything at all? I feel sick but I also feel light headed and fluffy and I’m not sure how much of it is right and how much isn’t. My arms feel heavy and my head feels light and typing is hard and my vision keeps focusing on the little scratch on my glasses lens and then back to the screen and then through the screen like it was a window even though it’s not and then back like a cycle and typing is really hard but I’m trying to make it look right because its better that way and it’s like it’s really real and there even though I keep putting an apostrophe in its even though its wrong to do it and I keep trying to catch it but I don’t care enough to fix it so it’s kind of schizophrenic.
I think I’m close to having a panic attack and I don’t know what’s happening and I feel like crying even though nothings wrong and I don’t know what’s happening right now and I want someone to be here just to remind me that everything is still real and the same and this reads like I’m on some really fucking heavy drugs but I’m not even drunk I’m just lying on my bed feeling like everything that has ever happened is whizzing past all at the same time and happening to everyone else and I’m missing it all and it’s too hot but my legs are cold and my arms are shaking.
Everything just felt super solid for a second, like the exact opposite of everything and then it just came back and now it feels like my toe is curling even though I’m not moving and I can see it not moving but it still feels like it’s curling although now it must have curled through itself but it’s just still going and I don’t know and it feels like my other leg is falling through my bed and I can’t see that one but it can’t be because my laptop is resting on it and it can’t be moving because I’m not moving and I still can’t get a breath and it’s catching but full but it’s not full enough.