I feel very unfinished, sometimes. I am 24, and I’m still trying to work myself out. Trying to work out who I actually am. Big things. Trying to work out who I want to be, who I actually am. If I can live with the inevitable differences.
But also small things. I’ve never had a ‘style’. No real aesthetic. I was never one to decorate walls, I was never one to choose clothes based on looks over function. I went out of my way to be boring, in fact.
Some of this comes from my rather impressive lack of confidence as a kid. I was so afraid of being mocked or judged for having likes or dislikes or any kind of opinion on anything that I forced it all down and didn’t have anything. I’m still trying to sort myself out from that. I’d started to, when I began at university. I bought posters and wall decorations for the first time ever. For things that I personally liked, I personally wanted to look at. To make my living space a physical reflection of who I wanted to be. Then I get hit with the big ol’ depression stick, spent a very long time hating every single aspect of myself, and ended up somewhere back behind square one.
I always lived muted, and quiet. Maybe I was trying to make myself invisible. Either way, I internalised it to a frightening degree. I managed to cheat myself out of a few life lessons I probably should have picked up along the way. I am not a man who knows how to show or receive love. And that simple little thing has probably fucked up more of my interpersonal relationships than I could ever count. It’s probably made an awful lot of them a lot more fleeting, if nothing else – I never learnt the knack of maintaining them properly.
Most people seem to naturally grow into themselves as they age and it feels sometimes like I managed to miss that step. People I went to school or College with are getting married, having children on purpose, and I’m still trying to work out if I like the colour green, or something equally ridiculous. Maybe this is normal – I highly suspect that everyone feels like they’re just winging it all the time whilst everyone around them has a plan, but who knows. I’m also not very good at sharing. Never have been. I just project this image of quiet competence and hope everyone will just leave me to it. Generally people do. Never been sure if that’s a good thing or not. Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m cold. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s the me I need to try and accept. As I say, still trying to work it out.
Doesn’t help that people are always changing. Maybe we all spend our lives trying to play catch up with ourselves, trying to understand a previous incarnation of ourselves even as we change into something new. I don’t have an answer. Maybe it is just me and this has no value to anybody else at all. Maybe I’m somehow missing the stable understanding of ‘self’ I need to lay as a foundation to all of this. Maybe I spent so much time as kid trying to be an invisible nothing, trying to force myself to grow up before I needed to that I skipped some vital step in becoming finished.
Maybe I’m an overly dramatic shit getting far too introspective at half midnight on a Sunday morning and I should just shut up and go to bed. All I know for sure is that I don’t have anyone I routinely talk to to bounce this kind of shit off of, so I put digital messages into a digital bottle and let them loose to do what they will.